Romance is a wonderful thing, but most vampires aren’t hunkish vegans nor prone to drinking synthetic material from a cool-looking bottle acquired at the corner store. Since chances are any vampire encountered might actually bleed you dry so to speak, everyone should be made aware of those 5 simple yet effective tips to survive unfortunate nightly encounters of the AB-Negative type…

1) AVOIDANCE
Wherever you know them to be, just don’t go. Would you consciously put your hand in a wasp nest? Then avoid exposing your jugular in towns like Sunnydale, Forks, Santa Carla, Bon Temps, Dallas, or any place where the IRS has a foothold.

2) PROTECTION
As Billy Bob Thornton tells Bruce Willis in BANDITS, garlic is the first line of defence. And Billy Bob knows what he’s talkin’ about - he used to walk around with a vile of Angelina’s blood. Scientific studies, not to mention everyone’s great grandparents, have been showing for decades that garlic is the corner stone of the human immune system. Hence does it destroy non-humans without any sort of immune system. Ingesting garlic on a daily basis will have the stench alone keep bloodsucker away. As well as most of your social circle, but then again survival requires sacrifices.

3) DEFLECTION
Vampires are strongly sexual creatures, a fact that should never be forgotten when in need to break one’s hold on you. In other words, vampires have nards, just knee those bad boys! If the vampire is female, use a similar stratagem: Tell her there’s a spider on her shoulder, then tuck tail and run before she stops screaming her head off.

4) PRACTICALITY
Don’t waste your time sticking pieces of wood in a cross-like pattern or trying to splash the assailant with holy water. What if the vampire is Hindu? Will you carry a sacred cow with you all the time just in case you meet one? Use the piece of wood and shove it down their throat instead - have them kneel to the timeless God of choking!

5) ACCEPTANCE
If you can’t get away, tell a joke or a damn good compliment. If the vampire finds you funny or cute there’s a good chance he’ll turn you instead of killing you - better living at night than not living at all. Then to thank him with an invitation to use your coffin as his - actually a tanning table….

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