Vampire’s Christmas: 5 Gift Ideas

An immortal who lives way up in the North Pole, dressed in bright red and only comes out once a year - at night! If that ain’t a Vampire, well at least Santa should be able to accommodate those who like ‘em. And as the calendar peels away to the day of boozing with the relatives until they all fight or pass out, let’s have a weekly look at how to make your Holidays truly “suck.” First up for this week: Gifts to offer a Vampire Lover. Other than a poster of a shirtless Edward Cullen. Unfair for the rest of us guys…

Here are 5 items we think would be perfect Christmas presents tailor made for such a person; if you have great suggestions of your own, let us know in the comments section!

1) BONFIRE IGNITER

“Come one Baby Light my Fire” never felt so true than this Zippo cigarette lighter with…some kind of vampire about to bite a neck design. I would’ve done something bloodier and gorier, but meh… Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em! Retails for about $20.00. How’s that paper route going? You might need one to pay for the cigarettes that go with this.

2) AMATEUR-SLAYER STARTER KIT
Years before Edward Cullen stole all the young lady hearts and made us guys look so damn insignificant, another dark & brooding hunk dominated the vamp romance scene. His name was Angel, the redemption-bound bloodsucker who falls for a bimbo’d heart-staker named…Buffy. Love that name! And now you can relive all 7 glorious seasons of Joss Whedon’s iconic show Buffy the Vampire Slayer -even the musical episode- thanks to this 40-disc box set listed at $200,00. Maybe shovelling a few driveways with that paper route.

3) EMERGENCY RESERVES
Nothing says Immortal Beloved like carrying someone else’s blood on you all the time. Although walking around with a pouch of O-Negative in your backpack might not be the wisest thing to do. Go Billy Bob-hearts-Angelina instead with the matching blood-vial necklaces. They even come in a coffin-shaped jewellery box! And that’s an additional 25 tomatoes. You’d be surprised how many papers you can deliver if you start at 5am.

4) OTHER VAMPIRE LITERATURE

You’d like them to put down those Twilight books for a few minutes? Lure them away with one about a very real kind of vampire, the one that sucks the living daylights out of you. Barbara E. Hort’s Unholy Hungers: Encountering the Psychic Vampire in Ourselves & Others is a fascinating study about people who feed on other’s life energy, and not necessarily the clients who refuse to pay for their paper because you got a little late one morning. $30 at any self-respecting book store.

5) HAIR-OF-THE-DOG
Wanna be intoxicating like Edward? Irresistible like Bella? Sensual like Jacob -’cause we all know werewolves can rock the casbah-? Essence of Twilight’s body lotions, soaps and oils will make a loved one feel like living in Forks, if that’s their thing. I wonder what Charlie’s fragrance is called… Budweisered? $19.75 plus shipping and handling. Make sure to borrow it when taking a shower after that excruciating paper route…