5 ways vampires could screw over the health care debate

As the nation exists in a constant state of health care debate, I’ve realized there’s one thing the writers of HBO’s True Blood may not have taken account of when writing scripts for the show: health care for vampires. The premise of True Blood is that vampires have been outted as members of society. It’s a big belief that members of society deserve certain rights. Hypothetically, if vampires had the right to health care, this could imply major setbacks in the health care debate. In fact, they could screw us over in health care. Here’s how:

1. Vampires don’t fit current human-oriented health administrative codes and regulations. Since they don’t fit the normal codes and regulations, we’d have to spend more money on creating new codes and regulations. New codes and regulations mean more boards, committees and executive positions that need to be filled. Where would the money come from to pay these people?

2. Humans may have more health conditions to be accounted for, but vampires have health conditions that are few but…complicated. How would we be able to define conditions when vampires are very strong, lack the ability to die and require unusual sustenance needs? Hmmm, what would we do with Medicaid?

3. Medicare would have to be severely restricted to vampires. I’m sorry senior citizens of America, you’re not old enough for Medicare.

4. Regardless of what side of the health care debate you’re on, how could you win when it’s probable that members on one side…sparkle? I don’t know about you, but I have quite a short attention span when it comes to shining, sparkling objects.

5. Wouldn’t vampires just kill unruly politicians debating over health care?

Know of other ways vampires could screw us over in the health care debate? Who do you think they’d side with?